


Kaiho

by buttheyrebrothers



Series: 12 days of Wincestmas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e13 Route 666, M/M, Unrequited Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 06:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5529272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttheyrebrothers/pseuds/buttheyrebrothers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaiho (Finnish) means a state of involuntary solitude in which the subject feels incompleteness and yearns for something unattainable or extremely difficult and tedious to attain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaiho

**Author's Note:**

  * For [innerglow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/innerglow/gifts).



> This was written for one of my favorite assholes, Karri. I was her Secret Santa for the 12 days of Wincestmas and I enjoyed every single thing I made for you <3

The room had been dark, and I awake for not even five minutes. Still, this very moment would become my most brilliant and detailed memory, like a movie playing in my head - only with touch and smell and longing. Do you think it’s presumptuous to claim that my heart recognized yours even before I opened my eyes that night? I bet you’d say that’s cheesy crap, right out of a chick flick movie, and ask me if I wanted you to braid my hair (Do you know that I’d let you if you’d really asked?). You would be right.

That doesn’t change the way I felt.

There’s a hole in my chest ever since I walked away from you.

Actually, that’s not true. I was damaged long before that, but the wound had been small, still mendable. But even then there were broken parts inside of me, undeniably so, and I can’t remember how it all started in the first place. I know there was a time when I was whole. A toddler with a toothy smile, a young boy who shared his room with a hero, a first grader whose big brother hung the moon and the stars for him and whose love was more certain than the sun’s ascend in the morning.

How did things change so fast, yet subtle, without either of us noticing?

Or did you know?

Dean, please, you need to tell me. Have you known all along? That my heart was flawed? A traitorous piece of meat hidden away in a prison of flesh and bones? Is this why you took it?

I never stood a chance, did I? I have no words to explain it, to describe to you all the ways it hurts to be close to you and still feel miles away. An ache, a longing so deep it has to be part of my DNA.

Was I ever really whole?

I hear you breathing on the other side of the room, a gentle snore, and I smile while I die a little bit more inside. I feel the ever growing void, a constant reminder of the incompleteness of my soul, a missing piece I will never obtain.

I saw the way you kissed her today, how you held her face in your hands. Those hands that once held mine, that have patched me up, that I have felt on my body more times than I can count.

They never touched me like this.

There is a hole in my chest, and it’s there since I was born. It will never get filled, because I’ve always known, I’m nothing you’d ever want.


End file.
